Dairy Room

The way Steve hasn’t responded to me all day I literally feel sick

STEEEVVVVEEEE FUCKING COME ONLINE AND TALK TO ME YOU MOTHERFUCKER

IM SPIRALING SO BAD TODAY LIKE OH MY GOD I AM SO SCAREDDDD IF THIS IS THE END FOR ME IVE HAD FUN. I HOPE IF STEVE TELLS ME IM RENOM HE LETS ME TALK MYSELF OUT OF IT IM NOT SURVIVING THAT SHIT AND YOUD BE WASTING YOUR HOH I HOPE YOU KNOW THAT STEVE

I KNOW YOURE HOH AND YOU FEEL LIKE YOU DONT HAVE TO LOG IN ALL DAY BUT ITS RUDE 

I JUST REMEMBERED THAT STEVE KNOCKED ME OUT IN THE STARS HOH AFTER I HAD MESSAGED HIM MY COLOR GOD OH GOD UM HOLD ON

JERRY TOLD STEVE IM HIS NUMBER ONE?!? WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT MOUSEY, WHAT HAPPENS IF KIM COMES OFF HUH. LORD

The way I feel horrible that apparently Jerry sees me as his number one ally and I was planning on voting him out over Kim...but now that I know this information, maybe it is better for me to keep Jerry. There's NTW and Ember who both are close with Kim, plus Debbie...so....where exactly would I be in her trust rankings? Compared to being at the top of Jerrys? hmmm much to think about

YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT IVE BEEN NERVOUS TO BE THE RENOM ALL DAMN DAY ALL THE WHILE I WAS ABLE TO CONVINCE STEVE THAT TONY IS LIKELY AFTER HIM AND HIS BEST OPTION FOR A RENOM? I need to stop doing this to myself and relax. I work in overtime when I dont need to and I've barely been able to focus on anything else. I am a total lying scumbag bitch because I just spent the past hour making Steve think that I have his best interest at heart and I wouldn't put him up if I were to win, but baby I'm backdooring you if I ever get the chance to...even typing that out makes me feel guilty as shit but like it's gotta be done.

On the other hand, I do feel like I am on the bottom of my alliance with NTW/Kim/Jerry. So...im not sure what to do with that...but we will just keep chugging along, cheers to final 10 and I'm shaking I got here

I’m… losing grip on this game yall. So far I have been able to manage not being a target or being nominated pretty well but it’s getting down to the wire so this is just going to get tougher every week. I am doing my best to convince everyone that I am with them. It’s hard to do, and once I do get an hoh I know I’m going to have to create waves because I’ll have to nominate someone I’m “aligned” with all the while I’ve been acting like all of them are my true alliances in case I don’t win. People are catching on that I’m in a position where I don’t NEED to win hoh in order to be safe. And I hope that’s something I can use at the end to convince people just how well I’ve been playing this season. But again I’m just taking it one week at a time and I’ll be happy if I make it into the single digits <3

I don’t know how this season is perceived by hosts or viewers I know a lot doesn’t happen out in the open. But there’s a lot going on, it’s been fun to play, and it’s not entirely predictable so that’s good

If I win hoh my target will be Dorothy with the backup of Steve

I will be nominating Dorothy with Ember, and although I would hate to do that to Ember it’s the only move that makes sense. The only way I don’t do this is if Steve tells me the names of the people who suggested me, then I would confront them, but I think it’s possibly Ember and Dorothy who did that anyway

I literally just want anyone but Dorothy to win this. That’s 8 out of 9 chances that I’ll be happy with the hoh outcome

So, I’m trying not to stress the fuck out but Ember is even more over aligned than I am and I thought I would be good with her but some of the stuff Max was saying to me last night has me worried for whats to come. All I can hope is that Ember doesn’t use me as a pawn against anyone especially not against Kim when Kim has a double vote. I know Ember is likely coming for Jerry but in the event he wins veto I don’t know who the replacement would be and I’m nervous. I don’t expect her to be THAT close to Debbie and NTW but you never know. I bet she is closer to them, I often doubt the strengths of my relationships with ppl since I’m not really one to talk a whole lot outside of game convo or make jokes and flirt and that kind of stuff so… just have to wait and see. I’m crossing my fingers

Ember made herself more obvious that shes Slimm because her logic with these noms makes no sense. Just like how she fumbled the bag and got out Bob instead of Moolissa when she was hoh in bbq9. You make the wrong choices AND IMMA BE CUSSING YOU THE FUCK OUT AT REUNION BITCH but first I need to win veto so I can have a whole ass show about you <3

Contemplating having a house meeting if I win the veto...it may or may not happen but Ill share a draft of what I plan to say if I do

Now that I’m off the block and officially not at risk of leaving this week, let me just air out everything that I’ve been meaning to say for the past 24+ hours. Ember, you really think the mouse was the biggest of all your problems? How about the fact that you are playing the most transparent game in the house. You think you control every person here and it’s literally fucking delusional. You are not a puppet master pulling any strings like you think you are. Everyone already knows how over aligned you are, even the people you think you are the closest to. It’s laughable how laser focused you were on getting out Jerry thinking he was the only one you had to worry about when nobody in this game takes you seriously. Haven’t you noticed how you want votes to go a certain way and you have no control over which way it goes and you are always left out? I know that definitely gets under your skin, since you have such a need to control everything which was noticeable as hell when we had our deliberation about who from prejury should come back and you made a big fucking fit about people not listening to you, since you need that attention/spotlight/control.

The fact you are telling everyone what you want to happen with this vote is an exact reason why it probably wont happen this way. NEWSFLASH: nobody is playing this game FOR YOU. I’m not sure why you think everyone should want Jerry out just because you do, but trying to micromanage everyone is exactly why you are not getting what you want. You want Jerry out because he’s made it clear he’s someone you can’t control, but the other people in this game are just better at making you believe that you can control them when you absolutely have 0 control over them.

Don’t even get me started on the fake ass messages that you send every day, please don’t even try it anymore with me. Everyone else, she’s likely made promises and told yall that she wants to win things to prove her loyalty to you. While she didn’t break your trust this round, she said those things to me multiple times and still put me up. So what does her word mean? Absolutely nothing. If she’s saying those things to me and went through with nominating me, who is she going to do it to next time she has any power? Cut the shit and start being real with people because I’m sure I’m not the only one who has had enough.

Anyway, please go ahead Ember, tell me why I should be voting out the person that you want to leave when you put me in the position that you did. Explain to the house why you think we should all get on our knees and comply to your demands to vote out someone who isn’t coming after any of us but YOU.

Sigh...guess I'll have to share my outburst for another time besties

Assuming that I stay I don’t know what to think going forward, I’m scared my life in this game is hanging by a thread at this point. I would easily be putting up Ember and Dorothy but I don’t know what to think about my relationship with Kim and NTW. Apparently NTW tried to see if votes could be rallied against me idk how serious they were about it but it worries me about whether or not I am safe with them. I’m hoping that I would be but I’m not sure.